My sister and I have accidentally discovered some shocking evidence on our home family computer. My 60 year old dad has his profile on adult sex dating sites in order to meet singles %26amp; couples for discreet sex. He hasn't put a picture of his face on his profile so that he can remain anonymous but he has put other explicit pictures on of himself. He has a secret email account that he uses and we have read all the details of him arranging to meet women and swinging couples for sex in hotels. Every night he spends hours on the internet and now we know why.
We wrote him a letter telling him what we discovered and asking him to address the situation with Mum as it is not our place to get involved. He rung me and said they were just stupid emails %26amp; nothing had happened %26amp; he feels sick at the thought %26amp; he will not go near the computer ever again
How can we live with this information and not tell our darling Mum? We are so shocked and distraught with worry. We are going out of our minds
My 60 yr old dad is using internet adult dating sites to meet couples for sex - should I tell my mum?
Firstly, I understand how distraught you are feeling as I have some experience of this sort of nightmare.
I'm 51, married for 30 years and a mother of kids in their 20s -probably not far off the age you and your sister are.
Please believe your Dad. I believe it was a sort of fantasy world for him, and its very unlikely anything actually happened. I imagine your Dad has been a loyal and steadfast husband and father for years and years - probably all his adult life. The internet and all it's possibilities have opened the door to the sorts of adventures he would never have even imagined as a young man in love with and courting your mother. I imagine he still loves and cherishes your mother, and everything she represents. I believe your father viewed the whole thing as a sort of GAME - a bit like any computer game - anonymous, exciting yet safe.
Now he has been found out he has discovered that it's not a game, and its not safe. He is feeling deeply ashamed - and very scared. Scared because, like a jolt of electricity, he has suddenly realised that he could lose everything for what, in his mind at the time, was just a game.
If you tell your mother its likely she will never get over the shock of what she will consider a lethal betrayal. If your parents have been together for many years they have built something that is rare and precious in today's world. Let it stay that way in your mother's mind. Trust that the shock of discovery has brought your father to his senses, and let it be. You don't want to become the children of a broken family, let alone the ones responsible for the reason for the break up coming to light..
Honesty between couples is the best policy and it may be that your father decides to tell his wife of his stupidity, and his deep regret and she may forgive him because he has chosen to share this with her. But that is between them.
You are shocked at your father, but please understand that fathers of any age are men first - and they can compartmentalise their lives. What your father did was stupid, but it doesn't make him a bad father or a bad husband.
Good luck and please cherish your family - love your parents for their human frailties as well as their good points - as they say, nobodys perfect.
Reply:do not tell, it is none of your business ,he could kill himself your mom or even you two under great pressure ,maybe your mom is not putting out ,
Reply:I know this sounds bizarre, but I honestly don't think you should tell your mom.
You mentioned that your father feels sick at the thought of your mother finding out - and that he claims he will never go near the computer again. It sounds to me like he wants to resolve the situation without breaking your mothers heart.
You know that if she finds out it will destroy her. Is it worth it, really? Chances are she already knows, and is turning a blind eye. If you bring it up to her, she can't pretend anymore and everything will be ruined. People get "comfortable" and this may simply be something in their relationship that you - as a daughter and an outsider to their marraige - don't know about.
I say talk to you dad - tell him if you have lost respect for him... tell him if you want him to get an STD check, or whatever. If you really want your mom to know, insist your father do it. It is NOT your place, and most certainly would be worse news coming from you. At least if it comes from your father, she can keep her dignity and try to work things out quietly. If it comes from you, she will not only be heart broken but also terribly embarrassed.
Good Luck and I hope your family survives through such an intense situation!
Reply:dear, you may put a stop to your dad's activities by telling your mother,but how can you be sure that he might not look for another ways to fulfil his desires.
what if being questioned by your mother,he fights with her and later on walks out on her!how will your mother survive alone at this age?have patience and leave this on god to decide.
always remember that youngsters have many options,whereas mothers of grown-up children have very little.
Reply:If your Dad is having sex, then he is physically putting your Mom at risk, and she should be made aware. When you consider people live to be over 90 now, 30 years is a long time to be put at risk! Perhaps she and your father have not had sex as part of their marriage for years, and she prefers it that way. Before I told her Dad was involved in this fantasy life, I would try to find out the nature of their marriage at this time. She may be fully aware of his activity, and turns a blind eye to it, preferring to stay married.
If she is totally unaware, then she would need a lot of support once she finds out. But be very careful. Find out what she thinks is the state of her marriage first.
Reply:You don't actually know that he DID anything. He might just be in a fantasy world. Of course it's unwise, and very worrying, but knowing how you feel, can you imagine the devastating affect it could have on your Mum if she was told?
Of course, as you know, you and your sister had no right intruding into his privacy and going through his emails anyway. Tell him how worried you are and leave it to his good sense to put a stop to things.
Reply:Accept your Dads regrets and leave it at that. It will fade into the distant past. Remember he is 60 Years old. Nothing much could happen sexually. He loves your mother. I am sure.or he would not have been married to her for so long. The right thing to do now is to forget it and let your Dad do the same.
Reply:Stay out of it. This is between your parents.
Reply:Let your mother know asap.
Reply:Dear friends, sorry to hear of your dilemma.You have talked to your father and he is clearly unreasonable. You love your parents but losing respect for your father. Speak to him again and explain how distraught your feeling and that you find it hard being loyal to him and unloyal to your mother. Having multiple partners causes potential diseases which your poor mom could innocently contract. If all fails tell your mother via anonymous letter or arrange to speak to her, she will appreciate your maturity and love for her.
Reply:sometimes we dont agree woth the things our parents do but in the end it is their business and as much as we love them it should be their decision. Why cause a problem when there doesnt need to be. He might mean what he said and not go the computer again and then you will have caused so much heartache when they neednt be any. If your mum does find out all you can do is be there to console her. My advice is keep quiet and if anything does happen in the future to hurt her make sure your there for her and give her all the love and support she deserves. We all make mistakes in life and its down to us to live with them
Reply:lf you tell your mother,you will both be responsible for the breakup of your parents marriage.Do you really want this on your conscience??.Let your father work through this.They may be your parents,but it is their affair.!!
Reply:Well if Dad follows through with not getting on these sites any longer and if he takes his profile down, then don't let Mum know, especially since you don't know if he has met anyone. If you suspect that he has continued to try to meet others or even has followed through with meeting others, then you need to let your Mum know, show her the proof, so that she can go to her doctor and get checked to make sure he hasn't given her any diseases.
Reply:You have been prying. You should be ashamed of yourselves.
Reply:I would show her what you found. Her safety is at stake.
Reply:Your mother needs to know. Tell hm that you are going to tell her but you would like to give him the chance to tell her first. You need to give him the chance otherwise it may destroy your relationship
Reply:The best thing to do is be there for your mum when she does find out. She loves you dearly and would not expect you to be the 1s to hurt her even tho you dont mean to. Dont tell her but keep on to your dad to admit what hes been doing to your mum.
Reply:I will keep my mouth shut if i were u for the fact that your Mum will be so upset if she find out.
Reply:First off how did you "just run into his pictures on this site" ? And what evidence of a "secret" email account do you have? This story reaks of lies.
Not everyone are the same. Maybe your mom is ok with him doing this? If she is it's not something they would discuss with you! Maybe your mom also is a kinky ho? have you ever thought this through?
You said your dad is 60 so I am going to assume you and your sister are older than 18. Move out of your parents home. Buy your own computer and leave theirs alone. GROW up already.
Reply:I would maybe print out the emails and such..but DONT say anything. Hang on to them incase something should ever happen. But other then that.. I'd keep out of it.
Reply:omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
u gotto tell ur mom abt it- ur moms life must not b spoilt!
give her the appropriate evidence!!!!!!!!
i think its better 4 ur mum 2 live alone dan 2 live wid a traitor!!!
Reply:Your mom has a right to know. I would tell her
Reply:You are just inviting trouble in your life. well everyone has its won personal and i ndividual life. What if he is your father? If your mom is happy living with him and not having problems. Why you want to bring issues into your family life which are better hidden.
Reply:Never tell your mum otherwise you lose your family forever talk to him telling that this is normal but he might catch AIDS that may eventualy kill him. Be tender with him show him that you care for him never threaten but give love instead. remind him of nice old days you spent together %26amp; never ever make him feel like a 12 year old child God help you to keep your family tight
Reply:if you tell your mom she will be so disappointed because she feels that she is not attractive any more so it cause the negative result.let your father solve the problem because if he wants do sth that u dont find out u absoloutly dont .so its better to stay out of this but watch him as the way that u trust to his words and be careful of what he does.maybe he needs the sex.maybe your mom doesnt care about sex with him anymore.you dont know the real connection between them so its better to stay away.but dont tell to your mom.its make her nervous even they dont have such relationship with each other
Reply:Put a firewall on the websites so he can't access them and when he asks you why they won't come up you can confront him about it.
Reply:ok well this is a tough one. i guess he means no harm maybe he is missing sex and your mom and him dont have it often enough so he is seeking alternatives. the though of him getting caught might work for a little while but is it worth breaking up a old couple over a few emails.? ask yourselves this. i would personally investigate abit more in to it. like follow your dad and actually catch him in the act of meeting another women. thats when i would tell my mom. when i had a lot more solid evidence.
Reply:Tell your darling poor mother , she has every right to know.
Reply:stay out of it,I know its hard but she will be angry with you for telling her
Reply:tell her. She'll find out eventually
Reply:Don't interfere!Lots of men surf the web and indulge in virtual sex sessions.Your dad may spend hours each evening on the computer,but has he ever actually met anyone through it?
Your feelings are understandable,bot telling your mum risks destroying your parents' marriage.Having explained your thoughts to your dad and now he's told you they're only emails,let him deal with it himself.
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